Thursday, September 19, 2013

I Need a Hero (Or Climbing Right Up on My Moral High Horse)

It’s in our interest to take care of others. Self-centredness is opposed to basic human nature. In our own interest as human beings we need to pay attention to our inner values. Sometimes people think compassion is only of help to others, while we get no benefit. This is a mistake. When you concern yourself with others, you naturally develop a sense of self-confidence. To help others takes courage and inner strength.

– Dalai Lama

Last month, I wrote about how good it felt to fully concentrate on the keeping and care of three needy kids (three additional kids.)  There was no real obligation to do this.  It was just something I wanted to say yes to.  And it felt really good.  It felt really good to me.  

In 2009, four scholars published a paper called, “Feeling Good about Giving: The Benefits (and Costs) of Self-Interested Charitable Behavior.  Their proposed theory was that people give when they feel good, which then perpetuates more giving and more warm fuzzy responses.  And they pondered the question of whether promoting giving, or appeals to charity may be associated with feelings of guilt that actually make the potential giver less likely to share.  Confused?

Me too.

No wonder happiness is such a struggle. 

We should give to feel happy, which will make us happier but if we are pressured to give, we will feel sad, so don’t ask us to give.  My friend Leslie runs a fantastic theater program in Evanston and one of her main tasks is to find donors.  So she has to find people who care about the arts, who have something to give and who will donate their monies or services to her program.  That's complicated.

We were talking about her work the other day on our morning walk and she mentioned a tool her theater uses to determine whether or not potential donors are “givers.”  Simply put, they track former giving behaviors to determine future giving.  This assumes that people are either givers or they aren’t.

This made me think about the people I know.  Are my friends givers?  Are my family members generous?  Suddenly, I was kind of disgusted by some of the people I know and love because I've never seen them share their time or money with anyone else.  Then I wondered about my own judgment of people who don’t share.  Um, because I totally judge them.  (Right here is where my friend Sarah would shake her finger and admonish me for assuming that I really know what people do with their time or money privately - Noted.)   

Still, I don’t think it’s enough to be a nice person and take care of your own.  You also have to help others.  In fact, like Marian Wright Edelman said, “Service is the rent we pay for being.  It is the very purpose of life and not something you do in your spare time.”  But most people don’t even do it in their spare time.  They don’t share their money, time, or their skills to help others.

That really pisses me off. 

Maybe that’s unfair.  Maybe we have to accept people and try to understand them for who they are, accept them.  Maybe doing no harm is sufficient.  Maybe that last sentence sticks in my throat.

When a famous republican politician came out in favor of gay marriage last year, and everyone was lauding the guy’s progress, one of my favorite authors’ Chris Crutcher wrote, “That’s not enough.  I’m looking for heroes.”

Me too.

















8 comments:

  1. Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, the other day I told Byron that I felt like the stump at the end of "The Giving Tree" and I was missing my leaves and apples :) But the very next day a friend called me and she was blue. My first thought was, "I'm going to send her some bright colored panties to cheer her up!"...it's a running joke... anyway I mailed her some $3.00 red panties from Marshalls and it made me smile every time I thought about how she would laugh when they got there and when she put them on, and when she went to the ladies room, hell I'm laughing about it right now! So perhaps when we give of ourselves some of our leaves and apples return to us so that we can give them out again :)

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    1. Too true! And I think it's okay to feel blue when you are tree-stumpy too. Sometimes giving and not receiving can feel like a blow. Plus, there are people who make fun of givers who try to belittle generosity to make their own selfishness more palatable. Anti-heroes.

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    2. And there are the people out there who always feel like everyone else is taking from them and they get bitter and are unable to receive or give...A certain mother-in-law who shall remain nameless is like that. She can't appreciate anything that she is given because it is never enough to make up for what was/is taken from her. Her constant feeling of lack makes her stingy with everything. She literally cannot even give a compliment or an apology. In the prayer of St. Francis it says that "In giving of ourselves that we receive" you should give to your heart's content...or until your heart's content :)

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  2. Some people fail to give just because they haven't thought of it. They haven't discovered the joy that comes from giving. Thanks for reminding us.

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    1. No honey, you give all the time! Giving isn't all about money - it's time and support and a sweet card and a nice comment like yours. See, you gave today!

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  3. True heroes are rare but wonderful. We do have to accept everyone is different but committing to a life of service helps everyone. Love that you picked Bonnie Tyler.

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    1. You are right, Sheena. In some ways, most of us do heroic things every day.

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  4. I think "doing no harm" maintains the status quo. If you want things (the world, the neighborhood, whatever...) to get better, you need heroes. Absolutely.

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