Friday, October 10, 2014

Joining Juliet

Sometimes you have to just set life aside and honor the beauty of friendship. Last weekend I flew to Chicago to be with Juliet. We filled the time with our usual things, lots of good food, stops into little shops and appreciating each other's beer from afar. I also spent time with her husband Kevin and of course the lovely Bond kids, who are growing so fast into amazing people. I also experienced the madness of parking cars for the Northwestern football game. And we lounged on the couch as I scratched Daisy's belly. The time was restorative for me, inspiring and love filled.

 “Sometimes I need
only to stand
wherever I am
to be blessed.”
-Mary Oliver
Me and Juliet on a morning walk by Lake Michigan

Thursday, October 9, 2014

A Little Laughter

My poem yesterday was a bit morose so I thought I'd share something a bit more cheerful today.  If this doesn't make you smile, you might need therapy...



Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Myself Today

I had this moment today
A microscopic flash of future myself
This mirrored twin was silver-bright
But her edges
Milling inside moving shadows
Maybe a ghost
Or a muted, damaged thing
And I thought, 
No.
This is myself
Clear-eyed and able
My mind veered from the monster

Back to this moment

by Juliet

Monday, September 22, 2014

Not knowing where to turn, I look to poetry for wisdom

I am heartbroken with Juliet's  news. I am also hopeful because I have to be.I call on every saint, light all of my candles and burn sage. I ring bells in mediation, scream out to the pines, to the birds and the wolves for strength, for justice and healing. Juliet, you are in my heart, always will be. I am at your side. I love you dearly, friend.


In Blackwater Woods
By Mary Oliver

Look, the trees
are turning
their own bodies
into pillars
of light,
are giving off the rich
fragrance of cinnamon
and fulfillment,
the long tapers
of cattails
are bursting and floating away over
the blue shoulders
of the ponds,
and every pond,
no matter what its
name is, is
nameless now.
Every year
everything
I have ever learned
in my lifetime
leads back to this: the fires
and the black river of loss
whose other side
is salvation,
whose meaning
none of us will ever know.
To live in this world
you must be able
to do three things:
to love what is mortal;
to hold it
against your bones knowing
your own life depends on it;
and, when the time comes to let it
go,
to let it go.







Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Joining Jeanne

Ten years ago, my life fell apart.  My dad had two heart attacks, my husband had an affair and one of my best friend's brain literally exploded.  My dad recovered.  My marriage healed.  But Jeanne's brain could not withstand the resulting trauma of a ruptured brain aneurysm.  Since then, there have been countless moments where I ached to pick up the phone and to hear her stilted, low laugh.



But none of those moments compare in magnitude to now.

What were the odds that Jeanne would be my college roommate; that she would call two weeks before our freshman year to say, "What color is your bedspread?  We should coordinate."  What were the odds that despite her earnest questions and eager demeanor (or maybe because of it) I would feel like her sister after one short week of close quarters.  She was so goofy.  You could not NOT love her.

Over the next fifteen years we would share a love of over-the-top romantic blouses, french fries and maxi-pads. Our kids (three each) would be born at nearly the same time.  Our weekly (sometimes daily) phone calls were often loud and included lots of stereotypically Italian hand waving at the injustice of it all. We had mutual outrage over husbands, budgets and our massive, motherly lack of sleep.  She helped me plant my first garden.  I sent her mix CD's.  Then, a brain aneurysm burst and felled her.  For the next two years, she lay in a semi-coma wasting away in a nursing home.

Experts estimate that approximately five percent of people have a brain aneurysm.  So I suppose it isn't so crazy to think that someone I loved might die from this frightening condition.  What is surprising is that two weeks ago, I joined Jeanne in that five percent.

After an MRI ordered to determine the cause of a rainfall of seizures I've had since April, the neurologist called to say, "Juliet, we think we might see something that looks like a small aneurysm."

"I'm sure it isn't," my mother said.  "I have a good feeling about this."

I didn't have a good feeling about it.  Still, I was hopeful.  I mean, what were the odds?  

Right, so I haven't processed this yet - the fact that if it bursts, it's about 20% likely that I might survive with good cognitive function - or the fact that only 20% of brain aneurysms never burst.

Am I going to die from this?  Will it be soon?  Will my children suffer the kind of agonizing grief and confusion that Jeanne's felt? Should I write letters to my kids for their birthdays - weddings - for when Lilly becomes a mother or my boys become dads, you know, just in case?

The neurosurgeon says, "It's a waiting game.  Right now, the aneurysm too small to risk the complications related to brain surgery."  Wearing a monogrammed coat he shrugs, "In six months, we will do a new MRI to see if it grows."  If I make it that long, I think.

Right now, I am tired from all of the medications, afraid of lifting heavy objects or taking an Advil for my headache.  I'm watching my blood pressure because high blood pressure can contribute to a brain bleed.  I'm not salting my food and I am trying to exercise for thirty minutes every day but not too strenuously.   The number of doctor's appointments I've scheduled, pills I'm popping and visits to the pharmacy could rival that of any seventy-year-old grandma.  And quietly, as I lay in bed with my eyes open at five AM, I'm wondering if they have matching bedspreads in the afterlife.


Monday, August 11, 2014

Brain Break

So Gina and I have booth been off the grid for the most part this summer.  While I focused on parenting and health nonsense, Gina's whole life has been on hold.  I'll let her tell her own story but I will say that it has a happy ending.

For now, we both need a brain break.  But we will return shortly...


Thursday, July 24, 2014

Too Tired

This has been an exhausting week.  In the last five minutes, I pulled Tomass into the house for punching his brother's broken and still healing shoulder, attempted to put him in a time out and got kicked, punched and given the bird...

But I do want to take a minute to thank Rachel Nieman, friend and partner at COPE, for bringing us a beautiful dinner last night (which has turned into lunch today as well.)  Holy crap, a little goes a long way.

Thank you for your kindness!  Last night, instead of cooking and cleaning up - I read a few chapters in a mystery novel.  Ahhhhhh....